Apology and forgiveness are powerful elements which not only have their own benefits and risks but have collateral consequences as well. The tricky part is knowing when to offer, when to accept, and how to do it that is appropriate for the situation. There are also concerns about legal consequences as for example in a perception that the acts are admissions of liability or guilt. There are also issues for mediators including as to the role they play in these acts – as for example if the disputants do not bring it up – should a mediator suggestion be made and to whom?
There are cultural differences to be considered as well. In some cultures it is considered highly appropriate and even required to apologize – as in Japan when we see CEO’s and even government officials apologizing.
A further point to be made is that although there may be linkages between apology and forgiveness in a case there should not be an expectation that both will occur – and certainly there is forgiven but not forgotten often in play.
The words used and the emotions transmitted and perceived by the recipient - sincerity for example – remorse – are as key as the recipients willingness to accept or reject the offer.
Why bring up apology and forgiveness. There are profound benefits possible through this process however they are not clearly understood, appreciated, or accepted. Vengeance is in many cases as powerful a driver in conflict and overshadows apology and forgiveness. Frankly there are some acts which seemingly defy positive thoughts about apology much less forgiveness.
What are the benefits of apology? One is, that’s what a disputant is really looking for – and- in some cases that’s all that is needed to resolve conflict. From there we go to potential changes in position in terms of demands by a disputant – an apology can reduce demands for money damages. To, as we link them above, forgiveness.
What are the drawbacks? An expression of apology may be perceived as not only as sign of weakness but also an admission of wrong-doing leading to bigger claims for damages. There is concern that an apology might be used in court as evidence of an admission of liability. That’s an argument I have heard put forward in discussions.
As for a mediator role in this arena – I have heard – it depends. It may get tricky if neither party brings up the issue and a mediator is thinking about putting it forward as a mediator suggestion to move parties towards agreement. Apology is tough enough – forgiveness is even harder to gauge. What if one party buys into an apology – offers it – and it is rejected – what’s the impact on a mediators credibility and effectiveness? So, don’t think it is easy for a mediator to navigate in this arena.
Another reason is that I’ve spent the last day reviewing a session on this subject we captured on video. It is a fascinating subject. The session had a full audience which at times was very interactive. It took a full two plus hours to cover this subject and do an exercise.
Don’t underestimate the power nor the challenges in apology and forgiveness – I’ll end with one observation about forgiveness – at times the biggest benefit is to the person who forgives.
There are cultural differences to be considered as well. In some cultures it is considered highly appropriate and even required to apologize – as in Japan when we see CEO’s and even government officials apologizing.
A further point to be made is that although there may be linkages between apology and forgiveness in a case there should not be an expectation that both will occur – and certainly there is forgiven but not forgotten often in play.
The words used and the emotions transmitted and perceived by the recipient - sincerity for example – remorse – are as key as the recipients willingness to accept or reject the offer.
Why bring up apology and forgiveness. There are profound benefits possible through this process however they are not clearly understood, appreciated, or accepted. Vengeance is in many cases as powerful a driver in conflict and overshadows apology and forgiveness. Frankly there are some acts which seemingly defy positive thoughts about apology much less forgiveness.
What are the benefits of apology? One is, that’s what a disputant is really looking for – and- in some cases that’s all that is needed to resolve conflict. From there we go to potential changes in position in terms of demands by a disputant – an apology can reduce demands for money damages. To, as we link them above, forgiveness.
What are the drawbacks? An expression of apology may be perceived as not only as sign of weakness but also an admission of wrong-doing leading to bigger claims for damages. There is concern that an apology might be used in court as evidence of an admission of liability. That’s an argument I have heard put forward in discussions.
As for a mediator role in this arena – I have heard – it depends. It may get tricky if neither party brings up the issue and a mediator is thinking about putting it forward as a mediator suggestion to move parties towards agreement. Apology is tough enough – forgiveness is even harder to gauge. What if one party buys into an apology – offers it – and it is rejected – what’s the impact on a mediators credibility and effectiveness? So, don’t think it is easy for a mediator to navigate in this arena.
Another reason is that I’ve spent the last day reviewing a session on this subject we captured on video. It is a fascinating subject. The session had a full audience which at times was very interactive. It took a full two plus hours to cover this subject and do an exercise.
Don’t underestimate the power nor the challenges in apology and forgiveness – I’ll end with one observation about forgiveness – at times the biggest benefit is to the person who forgives.
